just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He better not be in your backpack
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
