dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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