I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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