Old men and throwing up are my life now.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
