you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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