He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
