dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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