Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
