You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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