you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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