woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
