Soap is not a condiment
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
