remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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