bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.