I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
