You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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