i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
