im so drunk with asians
where?
always
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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