How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
