You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
