haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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