Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
