i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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