Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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