Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
