Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
