She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
