I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
