This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
