I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
