I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
