On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
