All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
