I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
