You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
