i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
