I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Its about making memories worth repressing
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
