I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
