Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
