I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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