I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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