I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
