Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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