Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
