ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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