just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
