matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
