dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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