I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
