what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Who died my cat blue again?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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