My sheets look like a crime scene.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
