I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
