He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
