You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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