He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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