the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
