wanna go halves on a baby?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
