On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
