too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
