Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this boner is exhausting
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
