My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
