A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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