i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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