Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
thus making me awesome and them whores
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
