Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
